How and Why to Get Fat Fast, for Success! [satire]
FIRST, understand why you want to be fat. All great goals require motivation to do what it takes to succeed.
* Everyone knows that fat people are jolly. Just look at Santa Claus, or Hotei the Chinese god of luck.
* Fat people look successful. All truly great and powerful people in history were obese. Just look at paintings of kings, railroad tycoons, steel barons, politicians. So to become successful, you must strive to look successful.
* Fat people feel great. All that blubber insulates against hot and cold weather.
* Fat people live longer than skinny people. More and more people realize that every day, which is why over two thirds of the folks in USA are now overweight... and growing.
SECOND, understand what it takes to become fat and to stay that way. To reach important goals in life, one must have a plan and stick to it. Never let anyone talk you out of worthwhile goals or interfere with your plans. Here we list some very important principles for getting fat fast.
1. Never stand when you can sit.
2. Never walk when you can ride.
3. Never climb stairs. If the Good Lord had wanted us to do that, He would never have given us elevators.
4. If you feel you must engage in sports, be careful to do it right. For example, when playing tennis, never chase the ball, but wait for it to come to you. After all, a calorie saved is a calorie earned.
Swimming is a great sport for fat people. The more you weigh, the easier it is to float, and less is the risk of drowning.
These are just examples of how common sense can lead you to the right plans. Listen to your body and do what it tells you to. Especially listen hard to your stomach.
Which brings us to the next principle.
5. Feed your face!
Never drink water if you can get your hands on sugary soft drinks, KOOL-AIDŽ, beer, or wine.
If the gal at McDonald's asks you "do you want fries with that?", say "of course, and I'll have a supersize milk shake to go with it."
Never read when TV or movies are available. Reading can put you in a trance, and take your mind off the important task of consuming calories. Also, it is easier to eat junk foods while watching the tube or screen than when reading.
It is important to remember that a single candy bar contains more calories than a whole bag of fresh fruit or vegetables. Let science work for you.
Also note that almost any salad dressing brings the calorie count of raw veggies up to healthful levels. In fact, if you are ever forced to go on a diet, remember that salad dressing can be your largest source of calories.
Be a weight watcher. Put your weight out where you can watch it easily. Think smart and you, too, can gain weight like a champion.
Conclusion: To be successful in life, it helps to look the part and become obese. By focusing on your goals and sticking to a plan, you too can get fat fast and stay that way.
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RESOURCES:
Free articles and sample recipes at http://easyhealthdiet.com/articles/
Ebook "Easy Health Diet" at http://easyhealthdiet.com/diet.htm
Ebook "Easy Exercise All Ages" at http://easyhealthdiet.com/eeaa.htm
by Donald A. Miller, Ph.D.